


A Change of Heart

by AppleCherry108



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-15 03:45:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5770018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppleCherry108/pseuds/AppleCherry108
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the first time in a long time, Ben can almost say he's happy. Almost. But every time he lets the light overwhelm him, take over each choice he makes, he can still feel the darkness creep over his heart.</p>
<p>(The jealousy part is more related to the self-hatred aspect of Ben's angsty ass--this isn't a "jealous because my lover has a lover" kind of fic. Everyone is chill with the poly.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Change of Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously not spoiler-free. Takes place a few years after the movie.

For the first time in a long time, Ben can almost say he's happy. Almost. But every time he lets the light overwhelm him, take over each choice he makes, he can still feel the darkness creep over his heart.

After a miraculous series of events that drudged him from the pits of hatred and anger, earned him redemption and a welcome spot in the Resistance, and the forgiveness of his mother, not only was Ben Solo reunited with the boy-- _the man--_ he spent every blissful moment of his childhood with, but he also had the love of the woman who had, against all odds, saved him from himself. Ben never thought he could be so lucky, that his life could improve so drastically, but more and more now he just felt cheated.

He tried, he really did try. At first he attended all the meetings, making his best effort to aid the Resistance. He tried to be a presence wherever he went--in the training rooms, the mess hall, he tried to be friendly, as best he could, with the other Resistance fighters. He quickly got the impression that he didn't belong, however. No one wanted to talk to him, to listen to his tactics or training advice. Hell, most people barely accepted the precious intel he so hastily provided. He saw how uncomfortable he made the others, how on edge they always were around him, and when his efforts to ease their wariness proved futile, he withdrew. Even his presence in war meetings rapidly became unnecessary. Most of the tacticians felt it best to exclude him from their plannings in the (very likely, in their opinion) event that he might be a double-agent, still loyal to the First Order.

He wasn't, though.

He knew that, Rey and Poe knew that, his mother knew that, but nothing they said could convince the others. To the rest of the Resistance, as long as Ben was allowed to walk freely around the base, he was a liability. It also did not help that he had not left his temper with the First Order and, in his frustration, lain waste to his sleeping quarters on multiple occasions. He knew that each time he lost control the eyes watching him became more severe, more distrusting. He's had to move rooms three separate times already, but he can't help it. If he could only just room with Rey and Poe he was sure he could keep his temper in check, at least when it came to destroying his surroundings--it's much harder to wreck things that belong to people you care about. But therein lies the crux of his situation, the darkness that tugs at his heart still.

FN-2187.

_Finn._

It was like a sick joke: the deserter who stole the life Ben should have had--stole every moment he meant to seize but let slip through his fingers.

Ben hadn't forgotten who Poe Dameron was, he could never forget, and even if he did, Poe's snark and quick wit would have easily reminded him. No, Ben knew who Poe was when he tortured him. Every second of it caused him turmoil, but he couldn't avoid the matter, he had to keep up appearances or else they would have both been killed. Still, he fully intended to aid Poe's escape after it was done, but before he could create the perfect window, Finn stepped in and flew off with the man Ben still dreamt about even in the bleak halls of star destroyers.

Finn had found Rey, too; the girl Ben remembered visiting with Uncle Luke in their search for force-sensitive children and had intentionally let go undetected. Ben had always thought, when everything was finally over and he had restored peace to the galaxy, he had thought he would try to find her and rebuild a new generation of force-wielders himself. But Finn found her first. He found her and rescued her and guided her to Luke when Ben could have just as easily trained her.

Finn had stolen every dream that Ben had ever had. He had stolen every moment Ben yearned for. But worst of all, Finn stole the love of the only two people that _could_ love Ben.

He knew that Poe and Rey cared for him, he truly did. But nothing could hide the pain in Poe's eyes, the subtle agony of having lost a friend, of mourning his death only to discover he had caused countless more suffering. These were no longer the eyes that had so lovingly gazed at him as they lay beneath the stars, that had twinkled when Ben had once called his name. How could he expect differently, though? After what he did to him, what he put him through...

And Rey. Rey was always on guard around Ben. She said she trusted him but he knew she couldn't, not after he had deprived her of the only father figure she had ever known. She knew what he had done, what he could do. Poe may have tried to overlook his destructive temper but Rey always kept it in mind. When Rey looked at him, even in their tender moments together, he saw the hesitation in her eyes, the doubt.

Not with Finn, though. No, when they were with Finn Ben saw the looks he could only dream of. That glimmer of adoration in Poe's eyes, Rey completely at ease. There was a trust and comfort between them that Ben knew he could never have. And it killed him.

How many times now had he questioned his decision to leave the First Order? Wouldn't it have been easier--less painful--to just keep carrying on with the Dark Side? Why must the Light call to him so strongly? Why couldn't he just shake the Dark for good? Why couldn't he just be content with what he had rather than lust for what he couldn't? This is the bed he has made for himself and now he must lie in it. He should be grateful that the people he loves have allowed him to share in their intimacy, not jealous that their other partner receives more attention.

Ben sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair. He sits on the edge of his bed as he contemplates his situation. Both the suns on this world had long since set and left the room pitch black, but he found it comforting. After spending the better part of his life surrounded by the ashen colors of the First Order, it was hard not to find comfort in the familiar darkness.

There's a soft knock at his door and after a pause, "Ben? Are you in here?" It was Finn. Ben remains silent, hoping he'd just leave, but after a few moments the door opens. "Oh. What're you doing just sitting in the dark?" He flips the lights on and Ben squints in the sudden brightness. "Oh." Finn looks sheepish, "Were you meditating?"

"No." Ben replies sharply, cursing himself that he couldn't hide the distaste in his voice.

"Oh, well..." Finn fidgets awkwardly, still hovering in the doorway. He clears his throat. "Are you alright?" No answer. "Rey is really worried about you."

Ben finally looks up at this. _Rey is worried? Why isn't she here herself then?_

Finn gestures to the small device sitting near the bed. "You haven't been answering your comm."

"I turned it off." Ben winces and closes his eyes, regretting how much he sounds like his father.

"Well she's worried. She thinks you've been avoiding her since you trashed your last room."

It's true, he is.

Finn shifts again, crossing his arms, his brows furrowing together. "She wants to know if you've changed your mind."

Ben turns away.

Finn sighs. "Why _don't_ you stay with us, Ben? We have more than enough space for you in our room."

Ben remains silent, trying very hard to suppress angry tears as all his doubts and fears race through his mind again. He instead settles for scowling very intently at the wall, fists curling tightly at his knees. It was true, he had been offered, _beseeched_ \--multiple times--the one thing he craves, but he keeps denying each and every request. He refuses to be a third wheel where he's _obviously_ not wanted. ...Fourth wheel, he refuses to be a _fourth_ wheel, he reminds himself irritably.

"No thank you." he mutters curtly.

Finn huffs and lets his arm fall, exasperation spilling off every movement. "Why not?"

Ben grits his teeth, eyes never leaving the spot on the wall. "I don't want to impose."

"But why?" Finn demands.

Ben tightens his fists, knuckles turning white. "I wouldn't like it." His voice is beginning to waver.

Finn throws up his hands. "WHY?"

"BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE THERE!" Ben screams, throat aching. He spins to face Finn so quickly that the younger man stumbles backwards a step into the door frame, eyes wide.

Ben's shoulders rise and fall with deep breaths, averting his gaze again as he feebly attempts to regain composure. Long moments pass before either of them speaks. "Why?" Finn asks once more quietly.

Ben can't help the soft sardonic laugh that falls out of his mouth. After another tick, Finn comes towards him carefully, sitting down next to him on the bed so close that their thighs rub together. He gently places a hand over Ben's closed fist and Ben realizes his nails have broken the skin over his palms--tiny droplets of blood slide down into stains on his knees. He grunts quietly and immediately loosens his grip. Finn's hand doesn't move away. His eyes are fixed on Ben as he asks, so very softly, "Do you hate me?"

A flare of sick anxiety clenches Ben's heart as his eyes flit up to meet Finn's for the briefest of moments. He doesn't look sad or hurt or upset--just concerned, so damn concerned that _he_ might be hurting Ben. Anger wells in his chest and he can feel tears stinging the corners of his eyes again.

Finn gives his hand a gentle squeeze and whispers his name. "Ben..."

"No." he blurts. It comes as a surprise to both of them. "I don't...hate you." he chokes out. His breath comes in shudders as he fails to stop the tears from falling. He's angry-- _furious._ Why  _doesn't_ he hate him? He should, he  _wants_ to. Here he is, the man that stole Ben's coveted life, stole his loved ones away, and he has his hand on Ben's his back, rubbing small, soothing circles and Ben can't stand it. He turns away. How, how can he be so _kind?_ To _him_ of all people? Ben had nearly killed the former stormtrooper at least a dozen times, had gravely wounded him, tormented him--his Order was the reason Finn never knew his family. How can this man be so unreasonably kind to a monster like Ben?

His breath catches in his throat at the thought. That's right. _He's_ the monster, not Finn. He's the one that abandoned his family, killed innocent children, destroyed star systems and murdered his own father. He's the one that had tortured Poe and abandoned Rey. It's not that Finn had stolen his dreams from him, no. Ben had burned every bridge around him and _chose_ to wade through dark waters. All Finn had done was pick up the ashes in his wake and make them into something whole again, and while he was doing that, Ben was drowning in his own shortsightedness. And he hates it, he hates _himself_. He hates that he chose poorly over and over again, that he dug himself into a hole so deep that it started to collapse and bury him alive. He hates that all he ever did was hurt the people he cared about. He hates that he has no one to blame but himself for a life of pain and misery.

His shoulders begin to shake and Finn pulls him closer for an embrace. "It okay," he murmurs. "I understand."

Ben laughs dryly between sobs. "How could you possibly understand?"

Although he can't see his face, he's sure that Finn is smiling--he can feel the compassion and empathy he radiates through the Force. "I was once part of the First Order too. Remember?"

"But you left. You escaped."

"So did you." Finn tightens his hug, his hand coming up to cradle Ben's head against his chest.

Between his steady breathing and heartbeat, Ben actually finds himself calming, astonished that this person could be so unbelievably kind and patient. "You're stronger than me." he whispers against Finn's jacket. "You left by your own free will, you made that decision. And I... I was given _every opportunity_ and instead left behind a trail of wrong choices and dead bodies..."

Finn frowns and stares at the mess of curly black hair that refuses to look at him. "You make it sound like you're still there."

"I might as well be for all I'm worth..."

Finn couldn't stand it anymore. He pushes Ben to an arms length and meets his eyes fiercely. "You're not." He reassures him firmly. Ben glances at him mournfully, dark hair hiding most his face. "You're not-- _worthless_ , Ben." Finn was beginning to sound desperate. "You're not worthless, you're not a part of the First Order, you're not _Kylo Ren_. Not anymore."

A twinge of pain pulls on Ben's features at the sound of his old name. His face contorts into a muted sob, his shoulders beginning to tremble once more.

Finn moves his hands to cup the other man's cheeks, gently forcing him to look at him. "You say that I'm stronger but...I'm not. I feel like a coward--I fled at the first sign of adversity. You've been struggling so long, Ben. Struggling between what you thought was right and what you wanted to be right. I know it was difficult for you-- _so_ difficult--but it just means that much more that you're _here now._ "

Ben's eyes widen, lips part in a protest that never makes it past his throat. He wants to argue, to correct him about how truly awful and undeserving he really is, but all of a sudden, he can't find that hatred within himself. Maybe it was the conviction in his voice, or the sincerity in his eyes, but when Finn tells him he matters, _he believes him._ Ben feels that odd, familiar tug at his heart, the same one he gets when Rey smiles at him or when Poe says his name. He realizes that Finn must care about him too. That he wasn't just here at the behest of their mutual lovers, but because he was genuinely worried about him.

Ben brings his hands up to meet Finn's, fingers wrapping around his carefully. For a moment, he could feel something shift in the other man. Finn's gaze softens, his thumb gently tracing a line under Ben's lips. He sees his eyes follow the movement, lingering, his want almost palpable. Finn swallows a little too hard and Ben is surprised when he speaks. "Will you move in with us?" he asks, hope brimming in his gaze that rises back up to meet Ben's.

Ben answers by closing the gap between them and gently pressing their lips together. Finn sighs softly as Ben moves away just enough to let his forehead rest on his. "Yes."

-

When Finn opens the door to their shared living space, Rey is on the bed in a meditating position while Poe sits on the floor going over mission debriefings, one arm stretched backwards, holding Rey's hand. Only Poe looks up at his boyfriend inquisitively.

Finn grins widely before he tugs Ben into view by the hand. "Look who I've got!"

Poe immediately brightens and Rey's eyes flutter open, breaking into an ear-splitting smile that makes Ben's heart skip a beat. "Ben!" she exclaims as she bounds off the bed and flings her arms around the much taller man, winding him slightly. He returns her warm smile and slips an arm around her waist.

Poe rises from where he's sitting much slower but with no less excitement. He comes over to Ben and places a strong but gentle hand to his neck. "It's good to see you."

"You as well." Ben can't suppress a smile, his cheeks aching from the warmth of the love that surrounds him.

"Does this mean you've changed your mind? Are you going to stay with us?" Rey looks up at him with bright, hopeful eyes.

His smile broadens as he looks down at her. "Yes, I am."

Ben can feel her elation pulse through the Force as her arms shoot up to his neck to drag him down into a crushing kiss. His surprise is muffled by her lips as he finally lets go of Finn's hand so as to steady Rey. Poe and Finn laugh as he wraps his arms tightly around the smaller woman and lifts her off her feet, a giggle escaping her as she kisses him over and over.

-

They all lay together in their over-sized bed that night. Rey curls into Ben, her head tucked neatly under his chin, her hands grasping loosely at his shirt. She is completely at ease in his embrace, already asleep and breathing softly. Poe is at her back, arm strewn across her and Ben. He silently watches Ben, loving adoration and a familiar twinkle in his eyes right up until he slips into sleep as well. Finn is wrapped around Ben's back, arm tangled with Poe's, his face pressed to the back of Ben's neck where his shirt exposes his pale skin. Ben can feel each of his steady breaths puff against his loose hair, sending pleasant shivers down his spine.

Ben is the last to succumb to sleep, reflecting quietly on how truly lucky he is. To have been given this chance, to have had these people so patiently guide him to the right decision finally. He's still trying to atone for all the atrocities he's committed, and he's certain he'll never completely be able to, but he'll try. He'll keep trying until his last breath, no matter how hard it will be, because if he continues to be lucky, he'll have not two, but three extraordinary people to walk this path they've built together.

"Finn?" he whispers.

Finn hums softly against Ben's skin.

"Thank you."


End file.
